


I'm a failure of your Universe

by judelaw



Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: And a Hug, Angst, Bittersweet, Carol is blaming herself for things she did but weren't her fault, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fix-It, Healing, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, I just want both of them to be happy, Physical Abuse, Post-Canon, Slavery, Trust Issues, Yon-Rogg doesn't need a redemption but a rehabilitation arc, Yonvers - Freeform, as it's important for the film but okay Marvel, based on the deleted Supreme Intelligence scene that clearly should have been in the final cut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-05-02 13:44:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19200049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judelaw/pseuds/judelaw
Summary: “Have you heard about what happened to Yon-Rogg?"Carol suppressed a groan. Of course she was aware of her former commander’s status among the Kree that reached far beyond Hala, after all she had witnessed him constantly getting approached and celebrated by complete strangers for several years – but this wasn’t Hala. It wasn’t even a border planet of the Kree Empire. And yet she still couldn’t escape him.“The Kree hero?” the man asked repulsed, chocking on a mocking laugh. No one around here was fond of the Kree which was one of the reasons she had chosen this planet to socialize on in the first place: to not hear of them - especially not this one certain Kree.“Except he is no hero anymore,” the other one replied mischievously.“What do you mean?" the man managed to mumble while drinking his beverage as his interlocutor had awoken his curiosity – just as he had awoken hers. "What happened?""Love apparently."





	1. We could feel this darkness with each other

Bars have always been a strange place for her. On Earth she used to visit them all the time with Maria to have fun, sing and dance, break a few records on the pinball machine – much to the dismay of fellow male visitors – and deal with the occasional bad pick-up lines as well as the pure sexism by other soldiers. The later obviously wasn’t any fun right in that moment but laughing about them when the night was over and they were on their way back home always had a certain appeal to it.  
Without Maria, or a friend in general, the place probably would have been hell and therefore she would have never wanted to go there at all, yet when she was traveling the universe all on her own she couldn’t help but feel an urge, a certain need to go and visit a pub again. Or whatever would be the closest the nearest planet had to offer. It wasn’t the bar itself that interested her of course but rather the socializing - with literally anyone.

Occasionally when she was close enough to Earth she managed to contact Maria with the communicator on her ship yet since she had left the Skrulls, as she had found them a new home planet, she felt surprisingly lonely. At least way more than she had anticipated all those times she dreamed about living above the clouds. Of course Maria and Monica couldn’t just drop everything and travel around with her and that would have been more than fine if she had anyone else in her life she could call a friend.

She was never much of an introvert however she also couldn’t remember a phase in her life that was filled with blooming relationships of any sorts. For some reason a lot of people had a hard time dealing with her, both on Hala and on Earth, and while it sure hurt at times, she never had a problem dealing with it as she always had at least one person in her life who loved and supported her.

During her time at the academy and the year or two afterwards, she had Maria who came along with her baby daughter, making Carol feel like she not only had a friend but was a part of a family. By losing her memory and living on Hala for six years she had lost all that but had also found someone else to fill this whole in her life. Someone she trusted, who was always there for her, who became her life and whose life she became. Though now she had to live with the realization that said person probably never really cared for her in the first place.

She didn’t want to think about him, or Maria, or even herself, so one day she finally decided to visit the nearest bar she could find, willing to let all her worries go and hopefully find someone she could at least talk to for a few minutes, if not even an hour. Of course she didn’t expect or even hoped to find a friend but any and all friendly encounters were fine by her at this point.

For a human the place looked completely unrecognizable and nothing like a pub _should_ look like but after traveling the universe for a few years – and having lived on two different planets as well – nothing surprised her anymore therefore she quickly adjusted to everything she was faced with. And, to be quite honest, while unusual for her eyes, it still somehow was a lovely place to spend a few hours at.

The evening was going well and though she was still sitting alone, just hearing the chatter of everyone else surrounding her already made her feel less lonely. It was a welcome distraction from everything on her mind and she liked listening to strangers’ conversations although she often didn’t understand what they were talking about as they mentioned planets, animals or other species she wasn’t familiar with but when someone eventually mentioned something she _did_ know, she immediately wished the conversations would have stuck to the exotic.

“Have you heard about what happened to Yon-Rogg?”

Carol suppressed a groan. Of course she was aware of her former commander’s status among the Kree that reached far beyond Hala, after all she had witnessed him constantly getting approached and celebrated by complete strangers for several years – but this wasn’t Hala. It wasn’t even a border planet of the Kree Empire. And yet she still couldn’t escape him. 

She would have called coming here at all a huge mistake due to overhearing a conversation about him but truth is she would have thought about him if she was alone on her ship anyway, so in the end it didn’t make much of a difference.

And even though she didn’t want to admit it to herself, she was almost relieved hearing from him again. She’d blame it on sheer curiosity but despite all those years she still had trouble to stop caring about him at all.

She knew she shouldn’t, he clearly didn’t deserve her affection. Not after everything he had done to her. After he lied for so many years.

Yet he still somehow meant something to her.

Sometimes, she thought ironically, she should listen to his advice and start thinking with her head _not_ her heart, which clearly didn’t know what’s good for her in this regard.

“The Kree hero?” the man asked repulsed, chocking on a mocking laugh. No one around here was fond of the Kree which was one of the reasons she chose this planet to socialize on in the first place: to not hear of them - _especially_ not this one certain Kree.

“Except he is no hero anymore,” the other one replied mischievously, almost as if Yon-Rogg had done something to him personally. And in fact who was Carol to know this hadn’t been the case.

It would be a lie to say she never thought about what happened to him after she sent him back to Hala. Carol was aware what a disgrace it was for a Kree warrior, let alone a commander, to return defeated instead of having died in battle. And despite being their favorite, the Supreme Intelligence _surely_ wouldn’t be pleased he had failed to bring her or the core with him and would discipline him accordingly. Still she asked herself if she hadn’t been too nice to him since there was no way his punishment had been as bad as he deserved considering he was the leader of the warrior elite and the Intelligence couldn’t relinquish his service for _too_ long.

Sometimes she wondered if he would try to find her to seek revenge. Yon-Rogg has never been the type for that, not once has she seen him vindictive but perhaps this person has never been the _real_ Yon-Rogg. Who knows what else he lied about if he had no remorse lying about her past?

“What do you mean?” the man managed to mumble while drinking his beverage as his interlocutor had awoken his curiosity – just as he had awoken hers. "What happened?"

“Love apparently,” the reply was theatrically. “He betrayed his leader by choosing someone over them.”

The other guy burst into laughter: “Yon-Rogg?  Where the fuck did you hear that nonsense?”

If she was still living on Hala as Vers she probably would have laughed as well. Picturing Yon-Rogg in love, let alone him choosing said person over his beloved Supremor, was just ridiculous. But the sheer thought of him made something in her stomach turn that didn’t allow for any merriment.

“From a trader!” obviously offended by getting questioned like this he leaned back.

“Trader, huh?” he chuckled. “More like a smuggler.”

“Details,” waving away the topic he returned to his original story. “It’s what’s what the Supreme Intelligence is saying.”

Carol chocked. Surely he was mistaken or the smuggler made up stories for a living.

“On a mission he found this lesser being and instead of letting them die he took them to Hala and saved their life,” he continued and despite not identifying with ‘lesser being’ the story sounded awfully familiar to her. However, Yon-Rogg had only saved her life _because_ the Supreme Intelligence ordered him to do so; them using that against him didn’t make any sense.

“He did it against the concerns of his leader – even shared his _precious_ Kree blood with her!” there was a certain sarcasm in his voice as neither of them believed the Kree or their blood was something special. But Carol knew how the Kree themselves felt about it. “The being was highly dangerous and Yon-Rogg really should have just let them die but instead he kept them on Hala, treated them like one of their own.”

Now she couldn’t pretend they weren’t talking about her anymore.

“The Intelligence tolerated it as long as he kept the being in check, controlled her. But instead he fell in love with them.”

No, that _certainly_ wasn’t what had happened.

Was it?

“After years of pretending they were a Kree and fooling everyone else except the Intelligence, of course, they broke out! Acted up! Endangering _every_ Kree on Hala,” he explained. “So he got ordered to kill them.”

“And he didn’t, I guess,” the other replied, still in disbelief.

“No. He faced them and got the chance to kill them or die trying. But he just couldn’t do it. Instead he lowered his weapons and gave up,” the laugh was almost more hurtful to her than his word. “He directly dismissed his orders because he just couldn’t do it. Kree warrior my ass. Naturally the being beat him and sent him back to Hala – where he obviously wasn’t welcome anymore.”

She felt sick.

 _“I’m so proud of you.”_ echoed through her head. The image of him not even trying to attack her and withdrawing his weapons was suddenly burned into her head. She didn’t believe him back then and still doesn’t now but what if he actually meant it?

What if he only provoked her because he wanted her to kill him? So he wouldn’t have to go back?

No, they surely were mistaken. They _had_ to be.

Yon-Rogg was the poster boy of the Kree Empire. Never would he fall in love - especially not with a human. He lied to her. His friendship probably wasn’t even real either.

Yet she couldn’t deny that he _did_ stop and refused to fight her.

_I can’t go back empty handed._

Maybe she should have listened to him. Ask him about everything; ask him to clarify why he lied, what was real and what wasn’t. But how could she trust what he would say? Maybe he would just use the chance to manipulate her.  Or maybe he would tell her the truth and it would only confirm her fears. That he never liked her to begin with.

 “So the Supreme Intelligence made sure to punish him accordingly for his failures and spread his story in the entire Empire to make an example out of him. Because feelings are the worst enemy,” the sarcasm was back as he obviously didn’t believe in the emotionless way of living the Kree loved so much and under different circumstance she would fully agree but as the horrifying realization dawned on her that Yon-Rogg most likely _didn’t_ get an easy way out of this, she had no time to truly process this part.

“ _And_ also to humiliate him, of course.”

“Where is he?!” she had jumped up and almost yelled at them in a sudden outburst but slamming her hands onto the table they were sitting at was enough to terrify them.

A part of Carol didn’t want to hear the answer, didn’t want to know if he was dead, if _she_ caused his death.

“What?” the raconteur stammered, looking at her sacredly as he wasn’t used to someone being this forceful – especially a complete stranger.

“Yon-Rogg!” she tried to calm herself down since there was no need to intimidate them further, or really at all. “What did the Supreme Intelligence do to him?”

“Oh eh…” he collected himself. “Well, after the usual torture Kree do, I think, he got striped off his ranks and duties and got send to one of their mining planets to work as a slave until he dies – or puts himself out of his misery.”

“They didn’t kill him?” the other one intervened surprised, speaking Carol’s thoughts out loud.

“No, the Supreme Intelligence thought that this would be too nice for him. And for once I agree with that thing.”

Instinctively Carol wanted to defend him, tell them they were wrong and should shut up, Vers was still a part of her after all, but she held herself back. She needed this guy’s knowledge and snapping at him surely wouldn’t make him eager to share it with her.

Something inside of her told her to just go and leave this planet and the thought of Yon-Rogg behind forever however she just couldn’t. Deep down Carol had always known that the lying wasn’t per se Yon-Rogg’s fault, he must have been instructed by the Intelligence to lie and telling her the truth would have only resulted in the death of both of them, but that didn’t stop her from feeling hurt and betrayed. He had been her best friend, her _only_ friend, for six years. They had spent pretty much every waking moment together, shared everything with each other. There was no one she had ever trusted this much, not even Maria – but their relationship was built entirely on a lie. And she feared it had even been a lie in itself.

But if the smuggler’s story actually was the truth, there were way more lies she hadn’t seen before, that she never ever thought about questioning.

She always believed the Supreme Intelligence saved her, not that she would have to be thankful for it now but it had always been clear to her that they ordered Yon-Rogg to share his blood with her, just as they had ordered him to take care of her, to train her.

It never crossed her mind that all of this was just _his_ doing. That _he_ was the one who chose to save her, who chose to be with her, to protect and teach her. How could it? Yon-Rogg was always devoted and loyal to the Supremor, there was absolutely no way he did anything for her that wasn’t a direct order – let alone did anything _against_ an order.

Yet he had lowered his weapons.

He had refused to fight her.

And that alone made a part of her believe it.

“What planet?” she asked eagerly. If he was still alive, and she wanted to think he was, she _had_ to find him- all those years she had wondered if he would ever try to find her, and secretly she almost wished he would, but now it was _her_ who had to reach out to him.

She _had_ to know what between them was real and what a lie.

She had to finally ask him.

She had to confront him. And also confront herself.

“Why does that concern you?”

Her behavior obviously was suspicious and telling them the truth wouldn’t help her situation so instead she went with the first thing that came to her mind.

“We have some kind of history and I can’t let him get away without paying for it.”

“Oh!” the other man exclaimed. “We love good stories!”

“If you provide me with the needed information, I will make sure to tell you guys a good one,” she had no intention of telling them anything that happened between her and Yon-Rogg but during the past couple of years traveling the universe she had made quite a few memorable memories she could share.

The storyteller hesitated but as his friend urged him finally gave in.

It was hard to convince both of them to be happy with the, admittedly shot since she didn’t plan to waste any more time, story they got but when she paid for another two or three rounds of drinks, they complied and let Carol go without further bothering her.

_

She had heard of the planet before – she had probably heard of _every_ planet the Kree have ever been to as Yon-Rogg had taken his role as her teacher quite seriously – so finding it wasn’t a problem, getting access to it however was a different story.

As Captain Marvel she had already made a name for herself in quite a few solar systems which provided her with a lot of luxuries and liberties a normal citizen would get but the Kree naturally weren’t one of the species that looked up to her.

Lucky the Empire barely guarded their mining planets as the only valuable thing on them were the resources they could easily farm elsewhere if some other nation somehow managed to steal them. However, no one, except for Xandarians occasionally, dared to attack a Kree planet so that possibility was never needed – much to the relief of all the nations that would have been their next target. As Vers she had been told it were criminals who worked in the mines, that provided the Empire with the materials they needed, so it had never occurred to her the Kree actually used innocent slaves to do so but now that she had lost all her admiration for them and was free from the propaganda, it sadly made a lot of sense. And to think Yon-Rogg now was one of them was even more upsetting.

In a way she could consider herself lucky that this small and unimportant place was where he was held in captivity - not Hala itself – but she knew it still wouldn’t be a walk in the park. Secretly landing on the planet, far away from the camps, was easier than expected but getting around and making her way to the mines without being seen proved to be quite a challenge. But nothing was impossible for her.

While the night gave her an advantage and made it hard for guards and slave drivers to notice her, it also made finding Yon-Rogg under the hundreds of slaves much harder.

It broke her heart seeing any of these people, who were forced into this brutal labor but whenever she spotted a child she felt crying. Most of them were asleep, seemingly exhausted from their day of work and thankful for any rest they can get but every so often she saw a small group still awake and talking and Carol was surprised they were even allowed to do that as they could technically plan a revolt. But then again Kree were quite arrogant and none of the guards probably believed they would ever be able to break free - no matter what they did and how many they were.

She promised herself to liberate all of them and take them to a save planet, somewhere they can live the peaceful and free life they deserved, far away from the Empire. There was nothing she could do right now, not with her small ship and without any actual plan, but she would return one day. She had to.

Quietly she made her way through the camps, mostly hiding behind rocks and tents until she was lucky enough to stumble upon one of the uniforms the slaves were forced to wear and with an added layer of dirt on her face and hands she could easily get mistaken for just another prisoner. By unsuspecting eyes in the darkness at least.

After gaining her memory back, Carol questioned everything she ever knew about Yon-Rogg, as she couldn’t be sure which part of his personality was just a charade and which was actually him, but for some reason she knew she wouldn’t find him under the slaves who were sleeping but rather still awake. Perhaps he wouldn’t be talking to anyone as he had never been the most social Kree but certainly he would be doing _something_.

And in fact there he was.

Sitting at one of the fires the slaves were allowed to have to not freeze to death – not out of altruism of course but rather pragmatism since getting new slaves every month because most of the old ones died was a waste of time and energy to the Empire.

He was surrounded by a couple of children, carefully tendering their wounds while trying to make them laugh to provide them with at least a little bit of happiness in their life, and for a moment she felt like she was back on Hala, watching him teach a class of kids about the Empire and hand-to-hand  combat. He had always been good with children and a wonderful teacher. It was one of the very few things about him she never doubted to be real as he couldn’t possibly fake the kids’ affection and admiration of him - but it was still somewhat reassuring to see it really was who he is.

The next thing she noticed was a shock collar around his neck, something no other slave seemed to be forced to wear and for a second she wondered why until she realized no matter what the Supreme Intelligence ended up doing to him, he was still one of the best if not _the_ best Kree warrior and therefore way more dangerous than anyone else on this planet. Keeping him under control like that made sense as awful as it was seeing him like that.

She held on, unsure if she should really walk up to him. Perhaps he would immediately alarm the guards, loyal as he had always been to the Empire and most likely still was. Maybe he would even hope to regain his status by betraying her like that.

But she was Captain Marvel.

What did she have to fear?

Confident she walked over to the group and stopped right in front of him, confounding him a lot as this behavior was quite unnatural for the other slaves. Yon-Rogg didn’t seem to recognize her at first, so he confusedly looked up as he waited for her to say something - and then it hit him.

He opened his mouth as if to say her name but caught himself in time to not give her identity away like that.

She expected him to stand up, grab her arm, forcing her to follow him into some dark corner while asking her what she was doing here – if he didn’t call the guards – but instead he turned away again, completely ignoring her existence.

Stubborn as she was she refused to speak first and instead kicked his shin to get his attention again but he still stared into the fire. Apparently alarmed by her harming him, two of the children jumped in between them to shield Yon-Rogg, who immediately pulled them back and made sure they would stay away from her.

Offended by him acting like she would ever hurt these kids she finally spoke: “It’s nice to see you too, Yon-Rogg.”

Instead of replying he shut his eyes as if that would somehow make her go away, like she was just a dream or hallucination. Growing impatient but also unwilling to make a scene that would attracted other slaves or even the guards she offered her hand to him like she had all these years ago before she sent him straight into this very fate.

He had open his eyes again, looked from the children he was still holding to her hand and finally gave in. Sighing as he let go of the kids, reassured them he would be right back and stood up without taking her hand but obviously still willing to follow.

One of the rocks she spotted nearby would provide them with enough cover and protect them from unwanted listeners; she only had to make sure none of the guards saw them get over there.

Carelessly he followed swiftly, almost as if he was bored by the situation – and that alone made her want to punch him. She didn’t go through all this trouble for him to act like that. Maybe she had expected him to be angry at her, for him to blame her for everything that went wrong in his life since he met her but she surely didn’t expect complete ignorance.

With a bit more force than needed she pulled him the last few steps and pushed him behind the rock, hoping he’d finally speak to her. Even if it was just an insult. She would take anything at this point.

But perhaps the silence _was_ his punishment for her.

He sat down, leaning against the cold stone surface as he blankly looked up to her, completely devoid of any emotion.

“For fuck’s sake, say something!” she spat angrily, letting herself fall down to sit in front of him.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked tiredly. “If you want to punish me, please, _I’m begging you_ , just do it. This torture isn’t working anymore as much as I want it just to please you.”

Carol frowned: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Yon-Rogg sighed again, running a hand over his face: “Alright.”

She was about to repeat her question since he refused to answer but suddenly he looked up at her, having the least convincing smile on his face. If he had actually faked their entire relationship he should be a much better actor than that by now. The way he had smiled at her on Hala always seemed genuine, like he _really_ cared about her – whether he was lying about it or not – but this smile was nothing like the ones she was used to.

“It’s nice to see you, Vers,” he seemed exhausted, like _this conversation_ exhausted him, not the work in the mines.

“Carol,” she stated. “My name is Carol.”

He nodded slowly: “Carol.”

Despite having spent all of the past couple of years questioning everything she had seen of Yon-Rogg, she was still confused by the way he was behaving. Before landing on this planet to find him she had mentally prepared herself to meet a Yon-Rogg she didn’t know, the one he had shown her on Mar-Vell’s ship when the Supreme Intelligence had disabled her powers, but never had she estimated him to be this apathetic.

“Are you drugged?”

It was a serious question. Drugging him to keep him under control seemed like an obvious possibility – it just hadn’t crossed her mind before as he was already wearing the collar and seemed exactly like the man she once knew when he interacted with the children.

He was puzzled for a moment, not anticipating such a conjecture.

“No, Carol,” he finally replied. “I am not.”

She wasn’t even sure what exactly she was doing right now but still decided to change her approach and take the offensive.

“Are you not going to ask me what I’m doing here?”

“Okay,” his voice was still emotionless. “What are you doing here?”

Carol didn’t want to reply anymore as he clearly didn’t care. Was he trying to provoke her again? So she would _really_ kill him this time? Her mind was racing. There had to be something she could do or say to make him snap out of this ridiculous act.

“I’m here to ask if you love me.”

It technically wasn’t even lie; it just simplified the entire situation. She wanted to know if what the smuggler said was true, that he really saved and trained her because _he_ wanted to. She wanted to know what between them was real, if he ever really cared about her. She wanted to know if he had refused to attack her and ended up provoking her because he _wanted_ to her to kill him. She wanted to know if he really chose her life over his own and the Supreme Intelligence.

But it all boiled down to this one question.

And judging by his face it was the most effective one.

Yon-Rogg needed a moment to collect himself but then smiled again. It still wasn’t the one she was used to but now it seemed to be sad rather than apathetic.

“Yes,” he answered sincerely. “I love Carol.”

His diction was the last clue she needed to finally understand what was going on.

“God, you idiot think I’m someone else.”

He didn’t react at all, prompting her to say: “I’m not a Skrull. Ask me anything, just get over with it so we can have a serious conversation instead of whatever this is.”

“You already know everything,” he looked away again. “There is nothing I could ask that you don’t know the answer to.”

“Actually you could ask me anything about the history of the Kree and I wouldn’t know what to reply because I never really listened to these lectures.”

Just as Yon-Rogg was always good at controling himself, he also seemed to completely lack this control whenever she would tease him or make a joke on Hala and apparently that still hadn’t changed. It was only for a brief moment but she could tell he suppressed his laughter and hid his amusement.

 _That_ was the Yon-Rogg she knew.

Yet she was still confused by his answer. Why would he assume a Skrull knows everything about her?

Unless he didn’t think she was a Skrull at all.

_He fell in love with them._

_The Supreme Intelligence made sure to punish him accordingly for his failures._

_Torture._

“You think this is a simulation and I am the Intelligence,” she realized.

_This torture isn’t working anymore as much as I want it just to please you._

“What have they done to you?” she reached out to touch him like she would have if she was still Vers spending time with her friend but he immediately flinched.

Perhaps she had been naïve when she was writing her journal on Hala, in case she would lose her memory again, but back then and even until this moment she had truly believed it when she wrote _“Yon-Rogg is our fearless leader.”_ Of course she knew everyone was scared of something and he couldn’t be an exception to that but it still shocked her beyond belief to see him wince.

“Yon…” she didn’t know what to say, neither in the situation nor to prove to him she was real, but suddenly there was something in his eyes, a small spark of hope, and she realized she had never called him ‘Yon’ before. Maybe that was the key. Behaving like she never did on Hala as the Supreme Intelligence would have only imitated the behavior she _had_ shown to him.

“May I?” Carol gently asked as she took his hand, fearing he’d flinch again but this time he let her without any kind of protest. She carefully placed his hand on her chest, right over her heart, so he could feel her heartbeat. Feel she was alive.

For the first time since she had confronted him he seemed to actually look at her. He was still fighting against the thought, the hope it was really her to avoid getting hurt again but she could see his struggle. And she knew she could get him out of this.

Out of this doubt, this fear – and certainly this horrible situation she had gotten him into.

“I don’t know what else I can do to prove I’m not this piece of shit computer,” she said frustrated as he lowered his hand again.

“A what?”

“Computer. It’s something we use on Earth,” she explained carelessly, used to explain her culture to other cultures, before she understood her new found power. “You can go on the Internet with it or write something while an annoying little paperclip would constantly give you tips you didn’t ask for.”

“I didn’t understand anything of what you just said,” he answered. “And there is no way the Intelligence could make something so ridiculous up.”

“Excuse me? That’s human culture.”

Admittedly their technology was nothing against the one she had on her ship let alone even began to compare to what the Kree had - which was one of the reasons why she didn’t take Maria’s offer of taking a computer with her the last time she visited Earth when she got to fully try them out - but he still wouldn’t let him insult it.

 “What are you doing here?” Yon-Rogg was still holding back, unsure if he should allow himself to believe her, however this time it sounded more like an accusation than an emotionless recite of a question.

Carol ran her fingers through her hair, not knowing what to reply. Right, what _was_ she doing here? Yon-Rogg had answered her question and the reply alone made her believe that everything the two guys in the bar talked about was in fact real. But what would she do now? Free him and travel the universe with him? Or get him to a safe planet? The former option was much more appealing to her, of course, even when she liked to pretend it wasn’t. But would he even _want_ her to do anything? After all she was the reason he ended up here so surely he must have been incredibly angry at her.

“Did you know,” she asked quietly. “What the Supreme Intelligence would do to you?”

Perhaps he hadn’t known _how_ bad his punishment would be, he had been their favorite warrior after all. Maybe this was the reason he even considered refusing to fight her as he didn’t anticipated for the Intelligence to react so violently.

From her last encounter with them she knew how scary and powerful the Supremor could be yet up to this point Carol couldn’t claim they had actually treated her badly. Sure they had criticized her and were nothing like a friend but compared to the superiors she had to deal with on Earth, the Intelligence had always been rather pleasant to talk to. They had only shown their real face one she got to know the truth and switched sides.

And Yon-Rogg hadn’t done that. Even if he gave up without trying to attack her, that didn’t mean he suddenly was working for the Skrulls. So while they did have a solid reason to punish him, he could have never expected for the punishment to be _this_ bad.

Could he?

“Yes, I did.”

He said it so factual, like they weren’t talking about a life changing moment but rather something unimportant that happened to someone else and somehow this only made her feel worse about it.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I would have listened to you, she thought, for sure. Right?

“What would have been the point in that?” he shrugged. “You had already chosen what to do with me and I had no right in requesting a different treatment.”

“I wanted you to pay for how much you have hurt me,” Carol replied, barely keeping her voice under control. “But I didn’t want _this_.”

Yes, he had basically kidnapped her and then lied for six years about where they had found her but she would have died without him and there was no way the Supreme Intelligence would have allowed him to tell her either. Regardless she had still wanted him to be just as hurt as she was.  
Carol could live with the realization everyone on Hala, or at least everyone who was privy, had lied to her – but not with the fact that _Yon-Rogg_ lied to her.

He had been her best friend from the moment she woke up, had always been there for her, showed her around, told her everything he knew about the universe and taught her combat skills she was still using today, and even defended her against other Kree whenever they doubted her. Even his own team mates and superiors.

Knowing that this person, who she trusted more than anyone, had lied to her had hurt more than anything she ever felt.

Reason had told her that he had grown up with the lies and propaganda of the Empire – she had seen how bad it was - but how could she be sure he really didn’t know it was just that, manipulation? She had gotten to know a Yon-Rogg who always avoided killing innocent bystanders if it was possible, who treated others with respect and whose hatred was solely focused on what he believed to be terrorists. She _wanted_ this to be the real Yon-Rogg and that made her still care for him. They had a past together, no matter how much of it had been fake, and she liked to cling to the hope that he really didn’t know. That there was only lie he ever told her.

“I deserve it,” he said drily.

“What about,” Carol wasn’t sure if there really was a point in asking considering he could simply lie but she still _had_ to ask. “About the Skrulls?”

No matter how far away he was from Hala and the Kree civilization, the hatred for this species that he had learnt to feel since his birth was still strong in him.

“They are terrorists, Carol,” he replied and added a silent _“And I can’t believe you decided to join them.”_ with his eyes. She could tell how disappointed he was in her but realized those feelings weren’t about her turning against him but helping the Skrulls.

Maybe he had reacted so violently on Mar-Vell’s ship because she joined his enemy, not because she decided to leave him. Maybe he would have accepted the later but the former really hurt him.

“Who had been fighting the Kree for thousands of years, I know,” she repeated the knowledge the Empire had taught her, not without a mocking tone but also willing to let the topic go for now.

The sun would start to rise really soon so if she wanted to do something, to get Yon-Rogg off this planet, she had to finally take the initiative.

“Come with me,” she demanded as she suddenly stood up.

Yon-Rogg tensed again looking at her skeptically: “Why would you want that?”

“I didn’t go through all this trouble to let you rot here – especially considering it kind of is my fault you are here at all.”

“No,” he insisted. “Everything I did was _my_ decision.”

“Then decide to come along with me now.”

He sat still, shaking his head: “Even if I wanted that, I cannot leave them.”

Yon-Rogg looked over his shoulder to demonstrate he was talking about the children she had seen him with – or perhaps even about the entire camp itself. And that _certainly_ was the Yon-Rogg she knew.

“We’ll come back to free them,” Carol offered her hand again. “I promise.”

“This is a test,” he mumbled, pressing himself against the rock as he lacked space to get further away her.

“I’m not this fucking A.I.,” she slowly started to lose her patience with him, no matter how much it hurt her to see him like this.

“Then why would you want to rescue me? After everything I did to you?”

 _“Because I love you too, you idiot!”_ was her initial reply but she stopped herself in time and instead said: “You owe me something since you lied to me for over six years. So get your ass up.”

Apparently this was a reasoning he could follow. He still hesitated but then took the hand she was still offering and allowed her to pull him up.

“Do with me whatever you want.”

She rolled her eyes at his theatrics but didn’t comment on it, instead she kept dragging him with her, holding on to his hand as she feared if she would let go he would change his mind again. As trained Kree warriors they managed to make their way back to her ship without getting seen and Carol was relieved to know they’d soon finally leave this forsaken planet but just as she was about to enter, Yon-Rogg suddenly paused.

“I don’t care what you do to me,” he said seriously though it sounded more theatrical to her. “But please keep your promise.

“Did I ever not stay true to my words?” she asked and quickly added “Don’t answer that.” when she saw him open his mouth to list all the times she had promised to not use her powers or get herself in danger only to do said thing five minutes later.

However it was enough to convince him so he followed her inside.

-

It didn’t occur to her until they had already left the atmosphere that he may have a tracker of some sort on him and she cursed at herself for not thinking about this earlier but, to be fair, she wasn’t freeing high-profile prisoners out of captivity every day. When she turned to the seat next to her to ask if he knew anything about such a device, he was already shaking his head.

“I would have told you about it.”

“I don’t know,” she snapped, angry about how well he could still read her after all those years as it reminded her of everything they had and that she considered being lost forever. “You left out a few details about how I got to Hala as well.”

She expected him to defend himself, to tell her he had no choice, but he didn’t. He just quietly stared into the endless space in front of them. Carol kept looking at him however and when he couldn’t ignore it anymore he finally asked what she was doing.

“Wondering how we can get rid of that thing without chopping your head off.”

The collar was still blinking to signal it was ready to be used, making her wonder how painful it must be when activated. If he had been a simple, normal prisoner Carol knew he wouldn’t have had to feel it _too_ often, and technically Yon-Rogg did know how to behave and get as little unwanted attention as he desired, but due to the other slaves that must have been impossible for him. The Yon-Rogg she knew - and while she still couldn’t be sure what had been fake and what real about him, she was certain this part of him hadn’t been a lie judging by how he had treated the children – would never just watch if someone got mistreated.

Even on Hala whenever he saw completely strangers getting picked on due to their skin color, he had _always_ intervened and Vers had liked to believe he would have even done this if he hadn’t been the victim of such attacks himself. And Carol liked to think that too.

Especially when the victim was a child Yon-Rogg would protect them and if anything this heroism must have been even stronger on this planet as everyone there was even less able to defend themselves. If it wasn’t so horrible she’d even make a joke about how he constantly lectured her about listening to her superiors yet got in so much trouble himself in the camp, but just thinking about the pain he had to go through the last couple of years already made her shiver and unable to do so.

“It could be quite useful for you as I am your prisoner now.”

“Besides the fact that I _really_ don’t need something like this to control you when I have these,” she raised her fists. “You are _not_ my prisoner, Yon-Rogg.”

She stood up to take a better look at the collar while being careful not to accidentally activate it as she suspected it  to have some kind of mechanism that gets triggered if the wearer would try to take it off. He gently leaned his head to the side and away from her so she could have a better access to it.

“What am I here for then?”

“To talk,” she laid her fingers on the edge of the collar and nothing happened - so far, so good.

“What else do you want to talk about,” he asked staying perfectly still to make her job easier and also avoid as much unnecessary pain as possible. “I already… admitted to what you wanted to know.”

He did.

The stress of somehow getting him off the planet had prevented her from actually thinking about it but now that everything was calmer she began to fully realize what he had said.

_I love Carol._

“Why did you never tell me on Hala?” Or at least ask me out or literally take any of my hints, she wondered.

Yon-Rogg turned his head to look at her so suddenly; they almost crashed into each other. Like she had just insulted him he glared at her, heavily offended.

“I would never try to take advantage of you like this.”

He wouldn’t have or at least she thought so - after all she had loved him too as Vers. However, she wasn’t so sure about Carol’s love. She couldn’t deny she still had feelings for him but they were still heavily overshadowed by the doubts and distrust. Although she knew he was in love with her, she couldn’t just pretend nothing happened. And even though he had chosen her over the Supreme Intelligence, she couldn’t be sure he would never want to go back to them.

And then it hit her: he had used the present tense when he confessed his love for her.

Could he really _still_ feel this strongly about her? After she basically ruined his life whether she wanted to or not? After he had lost everything of her?

“I doesn’t matter anymore,” he tried to change the topic and Carol let him to avoid the conversation as well.

“You knew what would happen to you” she was looking for some kind of screws or anything similar she could undo to open the collar as she picked her train of thought up again.

“Of course,” Yon-Rogg confirmed when she gently placed a hand on his head to slightly push it further to the right and he followed her movements, giving her fingers and eyes more room so she could study the device further.

“You could have told me,” Carol demanded and implied a silent ‘ _Should have.’_

He didn’t reply, leaving it to her imagination why he didn’t. Perhaps it was his pride and ego that prevented him from doing so – perhaps it was actually something else. Maybe the issue lied much deeper than that.

_I deserve it._

She had feared Yon-Rogg wasn’t who he pretended to be the six years she had spent on Hala but her worries had always been about him actually being a terrible person, some kind of evil mastermind or at least a knowing henchman who didn’t care about innocent people getting hurt - not someone who flinches when she just raises her hand.

“I might be able to open this,” she finally said after they had both stayed in silence for a while. “It’ll get a bit hot for a moment.”

Carol expected some kind of protest after her warning but it never came. He probably knew that this was the only way or maybe really didn’t mind. She focused her energy on her thumb and carefully ran it along what she had observed to be the collar’s weakest point. The metallic material would heat up and could potentially hurt him that way, so she had to be quick and get it off him as soon as possible while also avoiding to trigger it as long as it was still functioning. On a normal day this might have looked like a challenge to her but after everything that happened the past couple of hours it felt more like a refreshing diversion so with a lot of concentration and skill she finally managed to break it open.

A faint static noise signaled the collar’s defeat and Carol proudly held it in front of Yon-Rogg to brag about her achievement. He smiled slightly however it didn’t seem to be in relation to being freed, rather it looked like the kind of expression he had on his face whenever she had managed to do a task perfectly and he was proud of her for it.

“You sure no one will hunt you down?” she asked, implying there may be a tracker he simply wasn’t aware of. “The great Yon-Rogg?”

“Unless they figure out who got me out of the camp, yes,” he insisted, turning his head away from her again. “I’m not important.”

She raised a brow.

Sure, Yon-Rogg had never bragged about being seen as a hero by the common Kree, his military rank or any other attainment but to say he wasn’t important was an understatement even for him. Yes, he lost his position and got exiled to work as a slave but the people of Hala still loved him.

Didn’t they?

And even the Supreme Intelligence, as arrogant as they were, should be aware of what a threat he was. Not only was Yon-Rogg really powerful and clever but also knew _a lot_ about the Kree Empire, knowledge the enemy would love to have. They could not possibly still blindly believe in his loyalty and devotion.

But maybe they knew him much better than she did.

Carol sat down again; sighing for no specific reason as they were just too many when the she wiped a hand across her face that was still covered with dirt.

“Maybe,” she began, leaning back. “We should both take a shower first - and probably a nap - and then we can come up with a proper plan to save all those slaves.” And maybe finally talk about everything.

He could barely hide his grin: “You and planning?”

Out of a habit she wanted to hit him playfully for teasing her like this but lifting her arm immediately made him flinched again.

“I’m sorry,” both of them said simultaneously causing Carol to frown.

“What the hell are you sorry for-” she tried to ask but he suddenly stood up and made his way to the door.

“Where is the shower?”

Carol knew he was just running away from the conversation but she didn’t have the energy to force him to continue participating in it. And after all she didn’t have to. They were on the same ship and had more than enough time to talk about this. There was no need to rush anything or push him into a corner.

She took him to the bathroom and offered to meanwhile wash his clothes– of course he deserved something acceptable to wear but she didn’t have anything his size lying around and wouldn’t be able to get something until they reached a save planet to rest on – but he insisted on doing it himself. Which, again, sounded a lot like the Yon-Rogg she had known on Hala.

-

After she had finished showering as well she found him sitting on the couch, waiting for her patiently as he had no idea what to do with himself while she wasn’t around. Carol had expected for curiosity to get the best of him, making look around the entire ship but apparently he had spent his time without moving at all.

“Are you hungry?” she wanted to know, just realizing he probably didn’t have an actual meal in quite a while. Yon-Rogg shook his head.

“Are you just saying that to be polite or are you really not hungry?” Carol asked, fearing he just didn’t want to cause any work.

“Starving your workers would be quite inefficient if you want them to do their work properly,” he explained. “Not getting any food is a punishment, not the norm.”

She nodded as this made sense to her though she could absolutely see him sharing what he got with the children – but maybe she was just projecting. However, she was certain he had gotten such a penalty every once in a while.

“When was the last time you have slept in a bed?” it was meant to be a phase to excite him about getting some comfort again but she also sincerely wondered.

Yon-Rogg just shrugged and followed her lead quietly. Maybe he didn’t even know it himself.

Her ship was small and rather meant to be efficient than luxurious so like it only had one bathroom, there was only one bedroom too. She could have told him to sleep on the couch and perhaps she really should have but it was way too small for an adult Kree to rest comfortably on and that’s what she wanted him to get - rest.

“The left side is mine,” she explained as they entered her room and he stopped immediately.

“I’m not sleeping in your bed,” he said it in such a shock that Carol feared she had made him uneasy. “Where would you sleep? On the floor?”

She rolled her eyes: “In the same bed.”

That only seemed to disturb him even more.

“I will just sleep on the-”

“No, you _won’t_ ,” under different circumstances she would have accepted his wishes but sometimes people, and especially Yon-Rogg, had to get forced to their luck. “The bed is big enough for the both of us.”

If sleeping next to her was a problem for him _she_ would have gladly taken the couch but he didn’t want that either so they _had_ to do it this way. Unless they wanted to take turns.

Yon-Rogg hesitated, even fought something in himself but eventually agreed and did as he was told. He tried to stay away from her as much as possible to not cause her any discomfort and Carol would have called him out on it but what could she have said? Come closer to me?

They lied awake for a while, quietly and lost in thoughts and Carol had almost fallen asleep when he suddenly spoke up, almost startling her.

“Has the Supreme Intelligence ever touched you?” he asked hoarsely. “In a way that made you uncomfortable?”

She didn’t open her eyes, too exhausted to stay awake for much longer.

“Of course not,” she mumbled, slightly confused by his question. “If they had I would have made sure it would never happen again.”

“Oh, good,” he replied in relief before becoming silent again.

“What made you think so?” Carol asked nearly inaudible as her head was buried in her pillow.

“I was just wondering.”

“Okay,” she had almost fallen asleep at this point but something in his voice abruptly let her be wide awake again. Carol quickly sat up in such a sudden movement it almost made him flinch again.

“ _Why_ did you ask?”

“I would have never,” he stopped, searching for the right term. “ _Forgiven_ myself if they had done this to you. Because I was the one who brought you to Hala.”

“No,” she said strictly, turning towards him. “ _Why_ did you think that could have happened?”

He didn’t respond and avoided her glance but that was enough of an answer to her. The feeling of sickness she had experienced in the bar when she learnt about his feelings for her and what happened to him _because_ of her couldn’t even begin compare to what she felt now.

“How-”, she held on, unsure about what was appropriate to say or ask in such a situation. She wanted to know if they had done this _before_ she send him back to Hala in disgrace, what _exactly_ they had done to him in general, what they had said to him, what they had made him see and go through.

_Did you know what the Supreme Intelligence would do to you?_

_Yes, I did._

She could cry but more than anything she was angry, mainly at the Supreme Intelligence for daring to treat him like this, to treat _anyone_ like this, but also at herself. _She_ had sent him back, _she_ was the reason he got into such a horrible situation to begin with. He had brought her to Hala, saved had her life, had always taken care of her – and all of that without ever having been told to. Carol had believed the Supremor had chosen him, that, especially in the beginning, she was more of an unwanted liability than a friend to him – although he had never made her feel like one – but instead _he_ had chosen _her_.

Whenever she got into trouble he had gotten her out of it, often risking his own good relationship to their superiors. He had permanently insisted on how capable and strong she was in front of everyone, even the Intelligence. Perhaps the nightmares were partly his fault, yes, but he had always been there for her, talked with her about what was troubling her, what scared her, and distracted her if she wanted him to. He had sacrificed his own sleep for help her – and in the end even his own reputation and life.

Yon-Rogg had lied to her for six years and she wanted him to pay for that. But in fact he had already started paying for taking her to Hala at all right in the moment they had arrived on it.

Maybe she should have followed and listened to his orders and lectures better.

Maybe she should have taken everything more seriously instead of so lightheartedly.

Maybe she should have appreciated what he did for her more at the time.

She ruined everything for him, first by being on Hala and then by sending him back to Hala. She had caused him nothing but pain and he should regret having saved her every single day of his life.

But instead he still loved her.

“I’m _so_ sorry,” she managed to say, failing to keep her voice steady, but he immediately shook his head.

“It’s nothing,” he smiled gently but Carol could tell it was faked. “And _certainly_ not your fault.”

“Yes, it is,” she insisted. “I sent you back.”

“I would have done the same,” Yon-Rogg turned around and pretended to be yarning. “Now let me get the rest you so desperately want me to have.”

“No, you wouldn’t have,” she realized hoarsely, refusing to lie back down again but he didn’t reply to her anymore.

Carol sat there in silence for a while, thinking about her own failures before she finally tried to get some sleep herself. She had spent so much time wondering if Yon-Rogg had ever been her friend, if he ever actually cared about her but now she started to question if _she_ had ever been a real friend to him.

She should have noticed the Supreme Intelligence wasn’t treating him as good as she had believed them to. She shouldn’t have constantly taken things from him, his time, his effort, his love – she should have given something back. She should have been there for him. She shouldn’t have caused him so much trouble. She should have been the friend to him he was to her.

Seeking out the bar was an act of desperation; she simply didn’t want to be alone anymore. And even when she rescued Yon-Rogg, she was still hoping for his company. But she didn’t want to take anymore. She didn’t worry about being alone anymore.

All she wanted was _him_ to not be alone.

She didn’t want him to be her company - _she_ wanted to be _his_ company.

She wanted to be the friend he had been for her on Hala.

She would do anything to make up for her own mistakes.

Carol had wondered about her feelings for Yon-Rogg, if she still felt the same as he did. But now it didn’t seem important to her anymore. She certainly wasn’t in a position to accept his love, was completely undeserving of it.

And she didn’t know if she would ever be again.


	2. When I look at you I see colors

“Dreams again?”

The question was redundant at this point yet she still felt the need to ask even if it was just to say _something_. Like during the previous four nights he had woken her up again, partly due to the noises and partly due to the movement the nightmares would cause –after all she wasn’t used to sharing a bed with someone - so now they were sitting next to each other as Yon-Rogg buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath to calm himself down.

Carol felt his pain, not just due to sheer empathy but because she had gone through the same – however her bad dreams, while frequent, never were her company for every single night. She didn’t even know it was possible for your sub-consciousness to be _this_ fixated on a trauma that it’s impossible for you to dream of something else. And perhaps the memories themselves really weren’t the reason for the abundance of nightmares but rather how the Supreme Intelligence had messed with his mind.

She wasn’t a neuroscientist – and if she were probably still wouldn’t be able to tell how big the damage was in the end as there were no studies about an artificial intelligence being present in your thoughts for decades – yet she began to understand how horrible the Intelligence’s influence must have been, how disgusting the manipulation.

After she had left, Carol often thought about how similar the society on Hala was to a totalitarian regime due to the general structure of the government and propaganda; yet it still couldn’t quite compare to the regimes she had known from Earth or even the ones she had seen on her journey through space. All of them could control what the nation saw and even said publically yet none of them were able to control their people’s thoughts as they had no means to even hear them. The Kree didn’t have this freedom – especially not people like Yon-Rogg who had to consult the Supreme Intelligence quite often. He couldn’t hide _anything_ from them, neither wishes nor hopes nor the most private memories or feelings, and suffering under that for some many years was one of the most horrible things she could imagine. Of course she didn’t know when exactly all of this had started or if it had always been like that but she feared her mere presence had created the perfect ground for the abuse he had to go through - her reason told her none of this was her fault yet she couldn’t help but to feel it was. If she really caused all the pain Yon-Rogg had to experience even before she had sent him back she’d never be able to forgive herself.

It was no surprise Yon-Rogg had woken up crying and screaming each night for the past couple of days and often even fought her off for a moment, when he was still trapped in the state between dreaming and awaking and thought she was about to hurt and not help him. Two nights ago it had been so bad that it caused a bruise that still lasted to this day and it took her very best acting skills to pretend she had gotten it elsewhere. Carol knew he would refuse to further sleep next to her once he realized he had caused her harm and probably even refuse to sleep in general so she had decided to lie to him. She had let him swear to not lie to her ever again and wanted herself to stick to that promise as well but there was a huge difference between a lie being told to conceal a cause of pain and one whose purpose it was to prevent such a pain itself.

Come to think of it, maybe his lie had been of a similar nature. Carol had felt betrayed because the one person she had considered her best friend, who had always been there for her and who, she thought, could never hurt, only protect her, had been the one dissimulating things from her since the moment she had woken up on Hala. She had felt that pain for a long time – or what seemed like a long time to her as a few years were nothing compared to the lifespan of a Kree – but reflecting on everything she knew now made her wonder if she had been too harsh.

Did Yon-Rogg really have a choice in the end? Was there anything he _could_ have done? Assuming he did want to tell her the truth, which she wasn’t completely sure of, how could he even have managed to do that? The Supreme Intelligence would have both of them executed and even if he told her on a planet far away from Hala to ensure her escape the Kree would have hunted her down – an easy task with the inhibitor on her neck that also served as a tracking device. And where would she have gone to in the first place? She wouldn’t have remembered Maria and Monica and only know Yon-Rogg had found her on Earth, not even the country let alone state or city as he didn’t know these things either.

So perhaps his lie had protected her as well in the end.

She carefully placed a hand on his back - slowly to ensure she wouldn’t startle him - and he lifted his head to look at her in the darkness of her room.

“I’m sorry,” he started to mumble almost inaudible but Carol immediately stopped him from making further apologies.

“I had cost you a lot of sleep for six years on Hala,” she explained, trying to sound lighthearted. “It’s only fair you are doing the same now.”

“But you were in that situation _because_ of me.”

Carol wanted to reply he was only having nightmares because of _her_ now as well but she knew it would only end in a discussion about how it actually wasn’t her fault, how he should be the one to take all the blame - and she really didn’t feel like going there again, not in the middle of the night at least.

“You wanna talk about it?” It was another one of those redundant questions as she already knew the answer would be no but she still wanted to ask, hoping that one day he’d finally say yes.

Just like she had predicted he lied back down again, pulled the blanket over his head and murmured something about going back to sleep so she did the same despite knowing neither of them would find any more rest that night.

Right after their escape, Carol had navigated the ship to the nearest planet outside the Kree Empire that perfectly suited their needs. Not only did she have to buy new clothes for Yon-Rogg and more food and water, since they would deplete much sooner now that two people were using them, she also had to detect a ship big enough for all the inhabitants of the camp as hers didn’t even have a close enough capacity. The later proved to be a more difficult task than expected as the spaceship also had to be fast enough and equipped with certain features such as a good camouflage system. It was exhausting to make her way through the giant city that essentially was one big market but Carol made the best use of her time away from Yon-Rogg.

Planets like these that mainly functioned as trading markets of legal and illegal natures were the perfect gathering place for people from all over the universe and therefore an endless source of information if you just managed to find the right establishments.

Despite having spent days with him at this point, they hadn’t really talked about the Supreme Intelligence or really anything that happened to him after she had sent him back to Hala - partly because Carol was too afraid to ask and partly Yon-Rogg refused to bring the topic up himself. She tried to gather as many facts about what exactly happened as possible and while she _did_ find enough people to talk to, their stories often didn’t match or even contradicted each other. She figured, as much as she disliked the thought, if she wanted to know what really happened she’d _have_ to talk to the only person who was there - now she only needed to think of a way to do so.

When she returned from her daily shopping spree as she liked to jokingly call it – so Yon-Rogg wouldn’t suspect her seeking out information on him – she got greeted by the smell of a typical Kree meal she had loved to eat on Hala. After the first day, she had returned with new clothes for him which he had refused to accept as he couldn’t pay for them and Carol’s reminder of how much he had paid for for her back on Hala only made him go back to his ‘ _you were only there because of me_ ’ argument. She couldn’t recall how _exactly_ she finally managed to convince him of a compromise but surely was glad it had worked. Yon-Rogg had offered to cook for her every day in return which she had accepted immediately, not only because she always found cooking to be rather boring and tiring but also because it was an activity that would give him something to do while she was away.

And distraction surely was something he needed a lot.

And it had surprised her how good he was at cooking because she had never seen him do it on Hala. Of course it hadn’t been necessary as Kree warriors, especially those of a higher rank, got provided with meals everyday meaning never having seen him make one for himself was only natural yet it his talent still somehow made sense to her. Yon-Rogg had always been pragmatic and would consider being able to survive on his own in the wilderness of a foreign planet a basic skill so it was needless to say he knew how to cook too – she hadn’t expected him to be this good at it.

Without further greeting him as she wanted to act as natural as possible, like she had on Hala when they had been friends, she jumped onto the kitchen counter instead of sitting down on a chair and looked in to the simmering pot, inhaling the smell.

“I’m starving,” she announced, hoping it’ll prompt him to tell her when dinner will be ready but instead he looked at her condemnatory.

“This is a kitchen, Carol.”

She rolled her eyes, wondering why she even listened to him on her own ship but got off the counter anyway.

“Better?” annoyed she pulled the nearest chair closer.

“Yes. Thank you.”

About to ask when it’ll be finished, she opened her mouth but her question already got answered by him requesting her to get the plates while he dragged the pot off the stove. Happily she complied and soon they both sat down at the kitchen table, quietly enjoying their meal until Carol picked the conversation up again.

“Anything happened while I was gone?”

She didn’t expect him to having something other to reply to that than ‘no’ as no one would just knock on their door – and also because she would always temporarily deactivated any form of communication on board whenever she left. Carol _wanted_ to trust him, wanted to believe he would never contact the Kree but she simply couldn’t, not yet. However she _never_ locked the door. He had been a prisoner for the longest time and if he wanted to leave her he should be free to do so.

But he never did.

For some reason she always expected for him to be gone when she returned, to be back on his way to Hala or doing whatever he wanted with his new found freedom yet he didn’t even seem to consider that. Unsure of whether he really didn’t want to go or thought he needed her permission to do so, she had explicitly told him he could leave her whenever he wanted to but he still seemed to have no interest in that. Maybe he considered it his duty to help her free the other slaves – though he must have been aware this was something she technically could do on her own.

Yon-Rogg shook his head as he took another bite: “Have you found a ship?”

She groaned frustrated.

“No. You’d expect this to be rather easy on a goddamn commerce planet that’s _covered_ with ships but apparently it isn’t. I know what we are looking for is rather specific but jeez.”

“How did you get this one?”

“It was a gift from the Skrulls for helping them find a new home.”

He didn’t reply, still disapproving of her allegiance with what he thought to be terrorists but he also wouldn’t bother her about it as he knew there was no point in that. And he also had better manners than to question his generous host’s decision. Instead he finished eating without saying anything.

“Do you always have the same dream or is it a different one each time?” she wondered, sounding as casual as possible. They _had_ to start talking about them, about _everything_ , at some point so she figured this starting point was as good as any. He was about to respond but Carol, anticipating his resistance, quickly added: “You don’t have to tell me _what_ you are dreaming, just tell me if it’s the same one.”

Yon-Rogg hesitated a moment before giving in.

“Mostly the same. Sometimes a few details or even the outcome are different but essentially it’s the same dream.”

If it wasn’t such a serious situation she’d jokingly give him the advice to let go of his past like he always had during their training.

“Is it a memory?” she asked cautiously; fearing he’d immediately change the topic again, not that he would blame him for it, she wanted to keep the conversation up. It was hard for her to tell which questions were appropriate and which weren’t – and how much she should push him, _if_ she should push him at all, to leave his comfort zone. His well-being was most important to her but if they would never talk about what happened then he’d probably never get better again.

Carol didn’t want to be presumptuous and force him to talk with her in particular, especially considering she had partly caused his trauma, but she also knew if there was someone he would ever talk to it would be her.

She had often found herself wondering on Hala if she was overbearing by constantly soliciting his time and, well, love essentially, as he clearly had to have other people he’d rather be with. Yon-Rogg was admired by the people; she had quickly noticed that during the first time he had taken her to lower Hala. It was hard not to, of course, since they constantly got approached by strangers who thanked him for his service. And even if that wouldn’t have made her come to the conclusion he was a hero, his face being on everything that advocated the military, mostly the Starforce, and what they did for the Empire and its people, would have given her the final clue. Back then she was amazed he was the one whose blood she had, who got told by the Supreme Intelligence to take care of her but knowing now that he did all of that because _he_ wanted to made her appreciating everything he did even more.

But nevertheless someone this popular must have had an endless supply of loved ones – though that may have been the wrong word considering how seemingly unemotional the Kree were. So although Yon-Rogg never gave her a reason to she still had thought he must have had other people he wanted to be with, that it was a miracle he even was at home every time she knocked on his door.  At the very least he must have wanted to spend time with the rest of the Starforce yet when she casually brought the topic up to Att-Lass one day he reassured her she literally was the only person he let into his life like that.

Not only was he her only friend – she was his only friend as well.

And the longer she had been on Hala the more all of this made sense. His work occupied most of his time and when he wasn’t on a mission or teaching his students he spend time with her. Yon-Rogg never talked about his friends and even his family was rarely mentioned – as far as Carol knew all of them were dead. At first she had thought he simply was very private or they weren’t close enough for him to tell her but the longer they were friends, the longer he kept telling her basically everything, the more she realized there really was no one else in his life.

Except for the Supreme Intelligence apparently.

A thought that made her sick.

Nonetheless she had to be the only one now as well as he most likely didn’t make any friends during the time between their face-off on Earth and their reunion – although, just like on Hala, judging by what she had seen in the camp he still was quite popular. Just with a different kind of people.

And she understood that, she really did. Yon-Rogg was amazing. She hadn’t fallen for him because he had taken care of her and had been the only one who seemed to actually care - after all, if he was an asshole none of this would matter. No, what she had fallen in love with was his heart, his bravery, the way his treated the common people, especially the kids, his desire to protect others, even his team despite all of them being soldiers as well, his sense of responsibility, his humor, and, ironically,  his honesty.

Under different circumstances, if she had been just Carol on Earth, she probably wouldn’t have given someone this serious and seemingly boring a chance but as Vers, as someone who _needed_ him, she had gotten to know him better and had seen how he really was. And she was incredibly grateful for that.

Yet despite, or maybe _because_ all of this he had hurt her like no one else had before and she had hurt him as well. Perhaps one couldn’t exist without the other, perhaps someone could only mean this much to you if they were also the one who could because you the most.

Yon-Rogg stared at his plate for a while, making Carol think he wasn’t about to reply to her question but then he finally did.

“I…” he didn’t know how he could explain it to her, how he could tell her he didn’t know, that he couldn’t tell anymore which were real memories and which were just thoughts and ideas created by the Supreme Intelligence. “Sometimes, it’s a memory. Yes.”

He didn’t like the look on Carol face, that concern in her gaze. On Hala he had always been the one to protect the other, who constantly worried about her but now their roles were reversed and he didn’t know how to adjust to that, _if_ he could adjust to that. He knew how to take care of someone, he had done it all his life, but he didn’t know how to get taken care of.

Carol nodded and smiled gently.

“It often hard to tell isn’t it?”

She understood what he meant even without him saying it out loud which had always been the case and a blessing in the Starforce but now only felt like a curse to him. He didn’t want her to understand, he didn’t want her to know what this even felt like. Whenever she would turn up at his door, completely in distress due to yet another dream, he always wanted to tell her, wanted to lift this burden from her. He had already felt horrible about what he was doing to her back then but to now know her pain was in any way similar to his made him hate himself even more.

“I’m so sorry,” he clenched his fist around the fork he was holding. “So sorry.”

“I don’t know if it helps,” Carol began, feeling overwhelmed with the entire situation. “But I have already forgiven you. You only need to forgive yourself.”

“Then forgive yourself as well,” his face softened. “Even though there really is nothing to be forgiven.”

He was right, she knew that. If she wanted him to take her advice she should take it herself as well – no matter how hard it was. Perhaps it would even inspire him to follow her lead if she’d follow the path first but she wasn’t so sure if she had the strength to do that.

“Do you want to go outside tonight?” Carol asked when the tension between them became unbearable and she felt like they had backed themselves into a corner. “It’s actually really beautiful outside.”

The more casual conversion helped him to relax.

“You still want to drag me to whatever place of entertainment you desire?” he was half teasing half genuinely wondering. It wasn’t like he had ever _actually_ minded Vers asking him to come along whenever she went to establishments he’d usually avoid as it never mattered to him _where_ they went as long as he could spent time with her. However he had still pretended to only give in reluctantly.

He didn’t even know why he had kept hiding how he really felt as she had understood him anyway. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to admit his feelings to himself and it had had nothing to do with her.

“Did I say I’d come with you?” she grinned.

“No,” he admitted. “But I don’t go out on my own, you know that.”

“Just say yes,” suddenly Carol felt like she was tricking him into doing something he didn’t want to do, that she perhaps even forced him to bend to her will. “If you want…”

Yon-Rogg heard the sudden change her in voice so he hurried to say: “I’d love to.”

“You really don’t have to if you don’t-”

“I know, Carol. Thank you.”

-

To say they had avoided each other for the rest of the day wouldn’t be quite the truth but they also didn’t seek each other’s company necessarily as they were both too rapt in thought. But days didn’t last for long of this planet and soon the sun had set, making the only natural sources of light its two moons and forcing them to interact again.

“You ready?” she asked on the way to the door, pulling a sweater over her head as she had learnt how cold the nights could get.

“I made time for you in my busy schedule,” he teased, taking the hint to get a warmer piece of clothing himself.

“How incredibly generous of you.”

For some reason she had missed seeing him in hoodies. On Hala it had always been a stark contrast to his suit, it made him look softer in a way. And she enjoyed that a lot. Now she had only seen him in the slave garments and the shirts she had gotten him but somehow the sweater still was something special.

“Is there something wrong with it?” he looked down at himself when she had been starring at him without saying something for too long.

She quickly shook her head and went on to the door, not explaining herself further which he wordlessly accepted. After all she didn’t owe him anything.

Stepping outside into the cold air, Yon-Rogg inhaled deeply as it had been ages since he had set a foot outside the camp - Carol’s home being the exception. She enjoyed seeing the obvious relief on his face.

“So, where are you taking me to?” he looked into the distance, at the skyline of the city that seemed to come even more to live now that it was dark. To his surprised she went the obvious direction. In fact, she didn’t even go away from the ship but to the back of it, pressing a button that revealed a ladder.

“Just follow me,” she ordered, simply flying up to the roof.

“Braggart,” he grinned, using the ladder to get up.

Carol being able to fly had been the most amazing thing about her new found powers to him and to be able to see her do it again, especially when he had never thought he’d see _her_ again at all, meant a lot to him.

She was already on the ground when he had reached her so he sat down next to her, wondering what they were doing but also patient enough not to ask.

 “Turn around,” she expected some form of resistance from him but he did as he was told. Carol turned around as well so that they now were sitting back to back. She leaned onto him causing him to become tense at first, not used to such body contact anymore, but hew slowly relaxed again when she didn’t do anything else or said something.

She waited for him to calm down completely before she carefully rested the back of her head on his shoulder, pleasantly astonished he didn’t become stiff again.

Looking up the stars she smiled.

“I never felt home on Earth, always had my heads up in the clouds,” she held on for a moment, unsure if he still knew what that meant from when she had used the expression on Hala once but he didn’t ask so she continued. “I wanted to become a pilot to be up there as often as possible and now I’m traveling the universe. I don’t even need a plane to fly.”

“You deserve that, it’s what you were meant to do,” he didn’t understand where she was going with this but still wanted her to know that. Carol was the most impressive person he had ever meant and she deserved the entire universe. He had no concept of faith but still believed if someone was supposed to be Captain Marvel it was her.

“You think so?”

“Absolutely.”

“My dad didn’t,” she explained, feeling him become tense again. “Girls shouldn’t climb on trees or play certain games that boys played.” She had wanted to say soccer but realized she’d have to explain what soccer is then. “Let alone join the army.”

Yon-Rogg frowned: “What does your sex have to do with any of this?”

“In our culture women are seen as the weaker sex. Certain activities are considered things only men should do, while others are considered to be more feminine.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he had really tried not to insult Carol’s home planet but this just didn’t make any sense to him. There was indifference on Hala regarding skin colors but someone’s sex had no significance whatsoever. He knew there were species in the universe – usually they were of a primitive nature - where one sex _was_ significantly weaker than the other or others but from what he had seen of Terrans this wasn’t the case here. Carol was the strongest person he knew and she _was_ a woman.

“It is but what I’m trying to say is, my dad never believed in me or supported me. My family didn’t even _try_ to stay in contact when I left for the military academy.”

Admittedly Yon-Rogg didn’t know a whole lot of C-53 culture but from her words he concluded that her family’s behavior was rather unusual and really hurt her. He had never been close to his family since emotional bonds in the extent of the ones Carol was talking about didn’t exist for Kree yet he couldn’t fathom why her loved ones would abandon their child, even if it was fully grown, like this.

“No one ever believed in me or accepted me the way I am,” Carol continued before he could go on a rant about how horrible her family was. “No one except for a friend I met at the academy. And you.”

Now he didn’t know what to say.

“For obvious reasons I could never fully appreciate your love and acceptance as Vers but I do now. I always felt like I didn’t belong to Hala, to the Kree, because I was so different but looking back at it I had felt the same on Earth. However with you I always felt like I _have_ a home, that I’m perfect exactly how I am.”

She closed her eyes to fully focus on feeling his body’s reactions.

“I know you think you stole six years of my life and maybe you did in a way but in exchange you gave me another thousand to live. Not only did you save my life but by doing so _you_ also gave me the freedom I can experience now.”

“You shot the drive,” Yon-Rogg corrected hoarsely. “So if anyone’s it was yours or Mar-Vell’s doing.”

“I would have died if you would have left me behind _and_ I would have died if you didn’t give me your blood,” she reminded him. “You taught me how to control and use my powers. I don’t like to admit it but I probably would have ended up accidentally killing myself if it wasn’t for you.”

Carol smiled thinking of their first training, when she ended up getting frustrated and lost control over her powers due to it. She had shot him across the gym and unlike years later had felt horrible about it. She had hurt the only person who had been there for her since she had woken up on this strange planet. He had been nothing but kind to her and that was what she did to him. It had also been the first time she had used her powers at all and it immediately scared her. Before she had been incredibly proud the Supreme Intelligence had chosen her but if her powers meant she would have to end up hurting the ones she cared about she didn’t want them. Crying she had expected for Yon-Rogg to be angry, to hate her but the first thing she had done was asking if she is okay, gently taking her hands – the very hands that had hurt him – into his to search for possible injuries as they didn’t know yet if the photon energy would harm her as well.

Seeing her cry he had thought she was hurt and didn’t even draw the conclusion she could be afraid of him being mad at her as anger really was the last thing he had felt. He knew it had been an accident, not an actual attack – something he would have deserved anyway.

Patiently he had taught her control over the years, never giving up on her no matter how hard it was for both of them in the beginning. Whenever she managed to use them successfully and exactly like he had wanted her to, he had been even happier and more excited for her than she was. Yon-Rogg had always supported her and, unknowingly to her at that time, always defended her from anyone who doubted her.

And she wanted him to know that all of this meant a lot to her.

“Someone else could have been your teacher.”

“Everyone else was way too scared to train with me.”

He tried to argue with her but he knew it was true – although he wouldn’t have used the word ‘scared’ as being afraid wasn’t very Kree-like. Yon-Rogg couldn’t even blame anyone for not wanting to spar with her as her blasts _did_ hurt, a lot, however any and all pain had always been worth it for him as seeing her face light up whenever she achieved something new was more than enough of a reward.

“I was, maybe even still am, hurt because I trusted you, I never expected you – out of all of people – to be able to lie to me like this,” Carol got back to her original point. “However I realize now that you didn’t have a choice, not a real one at least. I am still hurt and will probably need a while to fully trust you again, not gonna lie, but I forgave you.”

He became tense again.

“What you _had_ to do isn’t important to me anymore. But what you _didn’t_ have to do will be forever.”

Yon-Rogg started to tremble, inhaling sharply.

“You never had to laugh about my humor – though my jokes are pretty good. You never had to start joking as well. You never had to open your door for me. You never had to follow me wherever I wanted to go just because I asked you to. You never had to become my friend,” she opened her eyes again, leaning away from his back. “You never had to save my life. You never had to share your blood with me. You never had to take responsibility for me. You never had to train me. You never had to defend me. You never had to protect me.”

He was still turned away from her when she looked at him.

“You didn’t have to choose me over the Supreme Intelligence. You never had to let me go without even attempting to fight. You never had to give up your own life.”

Gently, as she was still too afraid of overstepping his boundaries, she wrapped her arms around his chest him from behind, resting her forehead against the back of his head.

“But you did. And while I wished you wouldn’t have done a few of those things I’m still thankful for them. No one else would have ever done this for me,” she held still when she heard, _felt_ him sobbing. “Did you hurt me? Yes. But you have done much more for me, _so_ much more. Maybe you can’t forgive yourself immediately, just like I can’t completely trust you immediately but… I’d love for you to try. Not for me but for you.”

Instinctively she softly pressed her lips against the back of his head.

“Because you deserve to be happy.”

She had feared he’d push her away or even run off into the night as Yon-Rogg had never shown this vulnerable state to her but even though he did hesitate for a moment, he suddenly turn around, not quite hugging her back yet but pressing his face into her shoulder, crying almost quietly.

Later she’d wonder if he had ever done this before, if he had ever shown someone all the pain he was feeling. She’d wonder how many times he had felt like this on Hala; how many times she hadn’t noticed he was suffering. But right now she would only hold him, support him, do anything within her power to show that she was there for him. He didn’t say anything, she didn’t say anything, but somehow this might have been the most honest conversation they ever had.

-

Spending the nights on the roof, watching the stars while they were talking, had become their tradition during the time they were still stuck on this planet. None of their conversation ever turned out to be as serious or important as the first one but they started to warm to one another again, so much so that it often times felt like they were back on Hala – only that this time there was no lie between them.

Despite all her fears Yon-Rogg turned out to be exactly the man she had known for so many years, the more he became comfortable around her again, the more they started to have casual days again. He would spend most of his on the ship, planning the perfect escape for the slaves as well as doing most of the chores (the better he felt, the more he complained about Carol’s chaos), while she was out in the city, trying to find the perfect ship. It had become so much of a routine that when she finally had found one and he had figured a hopefully bulletproof plan, they both started to worry things will change forever.

They still hadn’t talked about what happened as Carol was too afraid to ruin all her progress with him but as they got closer to the date that could possibly be the day Yon-Rogg would leave her, she figured they’d finally have to. She had believed him when he had said he loved her. As much as she had trouble blindly trusting him she did believe he was telling her the truth but she also knew that sometimes love wasn’t enough for someone to stay – especially not if they had so much to deal with like Yon-Rogg did. He felt undeserving of her and she wished she could change that.

He on the other hand already didn’t feel worthy of anything Carol did for and with him and expected this alliance to end as soon as they had saved the other people from the camp. Yon-Rogg thought this was the only right thing for her to do, that there was no reason for her to keep him around but selfishly he still wished she did – and he hated himself for it.

They had just left the atmosphere in their new ship when Carol turned on the auto-pilot, crossing her arms behind her head and she leaned back in her chair, sighing loudly.

“Finally I have something other to do again than running around and asking for ships,” she said, sounding more excited than she actually was. It wasn’t like Carol didn’t look forward to have a proper mission again but she didn’t look forward to what could possibly follow after.

“You could have cleaned up the storeroom,” Yon-Rogg commented next to her, completely serious yet also to tease her. “Or the kitchen.”

“They weren’t even messy,” she groaned causing him to raise an eyebrow.

“You couldn’t see the floor of the storeroom.”

“Because it was so full, not because I’m untidy.”

“An entire shelf was completely empty.”

“That was my special shelf that was reserved for other things.”

“Sure it was,” he grinned, making it impossible for her to not be more amused than annoyed.

 _If you are so concerned about the state of my rooms_ , she thought. _Then maybe stay to keep them in check._

She jumped out of the chair, stretching herself: “We may face some resistance from the guards and I suppose you haven’t fought in a while. Are you sure you can do this?”

He was aware she was just trying to make him train with her but took the bait for her.

“Want to check?”

Wordlessly she walked to the room they planned to let the freed prisoners stay in as it was the biggest the ship possessed and he followed her. She positioned herself, prompting him to do the same and Yon-Rogg wondered if she had changed over the years. She must have learnt a few new moves at least but right when he was wondering if _he_ should make the first move for once, she already threw herself at him.

“Still impatient I see,” he easily blocked her first hit and avoided the second.

“I like to offer an element of surprise.”

“It would be a surprise if you would think before attacking,” he answered as he kept eluding her blows, waiting for the right moment to strike. Then he grinned: “Or if you would think at all.”

Carol did her best to look offended but couldn’t hide her smile. She had missed this, they _both_ had missed this. Sparring had been a part of their daily routine on Hala not only to stay fit but also because it distracted her from her nightmares yet somehow it had also always been more than that to them. Whenever they fought, no one and nothing else mattered anymore. It was just the two of them. Close and intimate.

Saving several planets she of course had her fair share of fights in the past few years but fighting him, even though they weren’t actually trying to hurt one another, was a welcome challenge. They knew each other so well, knew their bodies and tactics - it was exhausting but in a way also one of the most relaxing activities.

“Focus,” he told her as he managed to land a hit due to her distraction.

“Do you ever stop being a teacher,” she was more frustrated with herself for having let him have that.

“Yes, when you stop being in need of one,” he was able to strike her again thanks to her frustration. At this point he had fully expected her to lose control like he was used to on Hala but despite being obviously annoyed, she was still calm.

“Perhaps I just need a better teacher.”

He laughed - for the first time since she had saved him he laughed. And it was just as beautiful as when she had heard it for the first time.

Somehow she still managed to use his short distraction to throw her whole body against his, causing him to fall over while pulling her down with him. She quickly positioned herself in a way that would have made it able for her to hit him right into his face if he was an actual enemy and grinned.

“ _Perhaps_ I’m not such a failure as a teacher after all.”

Carol made herself comfortable on top of him, refusing to give him an easy way out. The last time she had managed to knock him down he had used her celebrating herself to immediately push her off him and knock her down instead – she didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

He struggled for a moment until realizing he couldn’t free himself. Unlike her he knew when he had lost and accepted his defeat.

“You won,” he admitted, smiling gently.

“I know,” she grinned, still not moving off him.

“You can stand up now.”

“I can, yes.”

“Carol.”

“Beg for it.”

His face fell.

She had just been joking, trying to tease him a bit for having lost in what he’d consider a fair fight and she thought he would know that but apparently he didn’t. Yon-Rogg didn’t move, didn’t say anything, he just stared at her in fear, like she was about to do something terrible to him and it broke her heart.

Carol immediately stood up, taking a step back to give him more space.

“I was joking…” she explained. “I’m sorry.”

He slowly sat up, shaking and breathing heavily.

“It’s not…” he took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face, swallowing hard. “I’m fine.”

“You are obviously anything _but_ fine,” she said concerned however without moving closer to him. She didn’t want to make whatever he was going through right now even worse.

“Yon-Rogg…” she tried again when he didn’t react, just stared at the ground, his hands clinching the fabric of his shirt. He was sweating and Carol knew it couldn’t possibly be due to the little exhaustion of their fight. “I’m here, okay?”

She kneeled down where she was standing to get a little bit closer to him without actually moving towards him.

He finally looked at her, his eyes filled with tears.

“Let me help you,” it wasn’t an order, it was a plea. “ _Please_.”

There was nothing he wanted more than to comply, to do exactly what she wanted, even if it was just for her. But he just couldn’t.

“Yon…”

He didn’t say anything.

“We could sit back to back again,” she had figured it was easier for him to talk about private things when he didn’t have to face her so she suggested to repeat what they had done just a few days ago. It was a good method to make him more comfortable as he not only didn’t have to look at her but also could still feel her support, that she quite literally had his back.

Yon-Rogg hesitated.

To make the first step she turned away from him, hoping he’d do the same. It felt like an eternity even though it only took a few seconds but finally she felt his weight against her.

“I don’t know how…” he began when he had collected himself, struggling to find words. No one had ever asked him how he felt; only that he at best shouldn’t feel and at worst should at least hide how he feels. So having to talk about it was a whole new experience – and it scared him.

“Was it what I said?” Carol knew what he was struggling with. Despite having told her to control her emotions again and again he had never shamed her whenever she had cried in front of him or admitted to be scared early on when everything on Hala was still so new to her. He had always helped her. And that probably was a help he had never gotten himself.

He nodded slightly before he realized she couldn’t see him: “Yes…”

“Was it something the Supreme Intelligence said?”

“Yes.”

The thought alone mad her sick. Imagining Yon-Rogg seriously begging for anything seemed so wrong to her, especially when it was asked for by someone as vile as the Intelligence.

“When?” she wasn’t sure if she even _wanted_ to know but this wasn’t about her.

He was quiet for a moment.

“On several occassions.”

She did her best to not react in anyway. If he’d realize how uncomfortable she was, Carol feared, he’d stop talking about it.

“What else did they say?”

“I…” he leaned slightly away from her but his lower back was still touching hers. “I don’t think they necessarily said anything wrong.”

Carol didn’t like the sound of that at all. Insulting him was one thing but him agreeing with the insult was on a whole different level.

“Such as?”

“That I’m worthless,” he replied hoarsely. “A failure, a burden. That I’m undeserving. That you-” He didn’t want to say it out loud, didn’t want to remind Carol of it but he also didn’t want to lie anymore. “That you’d be disgusted if you knew of my feelings, that I already make you uncomfortable.”

“They said _what_?” she couldn’t even tell what outraged her more. Trying to keep her tone down, she took a deep breath before she continued but her thoughts were still all over the place. “Why would I- They _knew_ I- God…”

She closed her eyes to focus, to not fly right to Hala to destroy that artificial garbage.

“I’m actually not surprised they lied to you like this but still I’m still shocked. _Disgusted_? Really? That’s what they told you?”

“If… If you knew, yes.”

“I was in love with you too! They knew that, there is _no way_ they didn’t know that. Disgusted my ass.”

He was too shocked to say anything.

“And worthless, a failure? They made you the leader of the Starforce. You were at the top of the elite warriors of Hala. You were the best warrior the Empire had to offer. _You were a hero_. Even they acknowledged that by promoting you this much, by letting you come this far – especially at such a young age,” she realized he could interpret that as a way of her saying he was stupid to believe them. “It’s just revolting they made you believe otherwise. That they manipulated you this much.”

Yon-Rogg still was speechless.

“I know me saying all of this doesn’t change anything but I really hope you’ll one day understand how wrong everything they told you is. You _are_ worthy, Yon, worthy of everything good in your life, of being happy.”

He didn’t reply and was glad she couldn’t see he was crying.

“Did they hurt you in different ways too?” she already knew the answer must be yes but asked him anyway in the hopes that talking about it would somehow help him overcome all of this. At least a little bit. Yon-Rogg must have held back his emotions for years if not entire decades – it was about time he got the chance to heal.

He swallowed, trying to regain control over his voice, before he slowly replied.

“They can’t hurt me…”

Carol frowned, wondering if he actually believed that or just tried to lie to himself.

“They cannot injure you physically without the help of others, yes. But that doesn’t mean they cannot hurt you, Yon.”

She wondered if Kree even had a concept of emotional trauma - judging by her life on Hala and the absence of therapists or simple education about mental illnesses probably not. Considering how advanced the Kree Empire was that could have surprised her but the negative attitude towards emotions certainly explained it.

Yon-Rogg move slightly, fighting with himself not to run away, something Carol realized immediately.

“It’s absolutely okay if you want to stop,” she tried to phase it in a way that would show him she wouldn’t be mad if he wanted to go because she really wouldn’t be.

“No, I…” he didn’t spoke any further.

“My last encounter with them was really terrifying.”

Perhaps, she thought, by talking about her experience he will have an easier time talking about his.

“Of course it was all in my head but, God, it felt so real.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered starring at the floor. “I didn’t want them to hurt you…”

“I know!” she hurried to say. Making him feel horrible about himself was really the last thing she wanted to do. “It’s their fault, Yon. Not yours.”

Carol realized why it was such a hard concept for him to understand but trying to figure out a way to _make_ him understand proved to be quite difficult. Yon-Rogg had executed the Supreme Intelligence orders, had captured her and brought her back to them so naturally he blamed himself for that – and she would too, did in fact before she realized what he had gone through. It was impossible to tell if she would have done the same but she knew a lot of people would – especially after so much abuse and manipulation. And, ironically, _he_ would forgive _her_ instantly if she had done it but because it was him he only saw the fault in his behavior instead of blaming the Intelligence.

“There is a difference between doing something wrong because you believed it to be right and doing something wrong because you just want to hurt someone.”

“The outcome of both can be the same,” he argued.

“You can accidentally kill someone and you can kill someone on purpose. The person is dead in either case but the first one is not nearly as bad as the second, right?”

His silence signaled that he was seriously considering her words.

“When they attacked me it felt so much like they were hurting my body directly,” she continued. “It was terrifying.”

“It is,” he said almost silently. “When…”

She waited for him to be ready to hopefully finish his sentence.

“When they hit you it… it’s actually worse than physical pain…”

Carol had to force herself to breathe normally to avoid alarming him and possibly causing him to stop. Instead she gently reached behind, slowly to give him enough chances to resist or say no, to blindly find his hand which she, once she did, held in hers. She was pleasantly surprised to feel him hold onto hers as well.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“You said you loved me on Hala,” he hesitated. “Was it the lie that caused you to stop doing so? Or did I do something else?”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Oh,” somehow he sounded disappointed and relieved at the same time. He probably really didn’t know how to feel about this. “So you just fell out of love…”

“No,” she admitted, finally feeling ready to say it. “I never stopped.”

An automated voice announced their arrival in the solar system of their targeted planet, forcing Carol to take over the controls again to ensure they’d manage to land without alarming any security systems.

Just like in the old days they both immediately pushed their feelings aside for now to focus however they still felt a weird mixture of relief and regret over not getting to continue this conversation despite knowing they’d have to once they had finished in their mission.

-

“Stop moving so much.”

“Then stop hurting me so much!”

Yon-Rogg sighed to at least pretend he was annoyed with her - even if his smile suggested otherwise.

“I need to clean your wound or else it may get infected,” he explained in spite of being aware that she knew that as well. Carol grunted, only making him smile wider.

 “Exactly. It _may_ get infected so there is a chance it doesn’t which makes this whole procedure completely redundant- ouch!”

Yon-Rogg had a hard time suppressing his laughter as he knew she was overly dramatic on purpose- something he preferred to what he was usually used to by her. During their time in the Starforce she had gotten wounds that were far worse than – in fact some were so severe that this one seemed like a small scratch in comparison – yet just like a Kree she had always pretended to be fine, that she wasn’t in pain at all. Back then it was what was expected of her, not by him but by the Empire’s standards, so to now see her without such cultural restrictions was a blessing.

“I would have been finished twenty minutes ago if you didn’t move so much,” he ignored her nonsensical statement ending his task. “There. Congratulations, you survived.”

Now that the wound was clean he could finally apply the lube to seal and protect it until it fully healed on its own - which thankfully shouldn’t take more than a few days.

“ _Besides_ ,” Yon-Rogg put the tube away, looking at her smugly. “It’s your own fault you are injured.”

“A simple _‘Thank you for saving my life, Carol.’_ would suffice.”

“You know you didn’t do that.”

Everything had worked perfectly and according to plan without getting interrupted by any unforeseen confounders until nearby Kree scouts had noticed suspicious activities on the planet and landed to check the situation. Just when Yon-Rogg and Carol were gathering the last couple of slaves, they suddenly got attacked by a handful of them, giving them an admittedly brief challenge. Their previous fights with the guards had been calculated and calm however due to the unpredictable nature of this one, they had to act fast and instinctively. Of course the scouts weren’t a real match for either of them but one of the guards Carol had shut down quite early on somehow managed to fire at them one last time before passing out. The shot was meant for him not her but seeing the scout’s movement Carol immediately jumped in between him and Yon-Rogg to shield the latter.

It was by no means a deadly wound, wouldn’t have caused any worse damage on him than that either, so Yon-Rogg wondered why she protected him anyway - if it was just the habit of a hero or if she really couldn’t tell how dangerous the situation was (something that seemed unlike her).

He was still thankful however. Though he would have preferred she hadn’t gotten hurt protecting him he was almost flattered she had done. That he meant that much to her.

“But thank you. Really.”

Carol pulled her sleeve down now that the lube had dried and slid off the table she had been sitting on.

“That’s better,” she exclaimed.

“Shouldn’t _you_ thank me for treating your wound as well?” he didn’t actually felt like she had to but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tease her.

She pretended to be offended by the thought: “Thank you for hurting me?”

“Again, it’s your own fault you got into this situation. You didn’t have to ‘ _save’_ me,” carefully he put the medical equipment back into their case. “Why did you do it anyway?”

He really was curious which of the two scenarios he imagined was the right one. “I didn’t know you were so bad at judging the damage a simple blaster would cause.”

“I knew _exactly_ what it would cause,” she snapped before thinking about her answer more carefully.

“Then why?” the teasing tone of his voice was gone now and she seemed to have changed as well.

She was quiet making him wonder if he had said something wrong and ready to apologize. He wouldn’t insist on an answer and was willing to drop the topic but then she replied.

“You had to endure enough pain already.”

Yon-Rogg frowned.

“And you didn’t?”

“ _I_ have _caused_ you enough pain,” she ignored him. “So I should at least protect you from additional one.”

He shook his head: “Carol we have talked about this, it’s not your fault. Everything I did was my decision.”

“Sending you back to the Supreme Intelligence wasn’t.”

“No,” he admitted. “But I chose to… _betray_ them which was the reason for my punishment.”

“You thought I’d kill you, didn’t you? That you wouldn’t even have to face them.”

“That’s my miscalculation, Carol, _not_ your wrongdoing.”

“You told me you cannot go back empty handed and I didn’t listen-” her voice cracked at the mental image of how broken he was back then, how hopeless. “That’s my-”

“Carol,” he addressed her gently but firmly, hoping it would get through to her. “You didn’t know.” _And even if you did your behavior still wouldn’t be wrong_ , he thought, knowing he couldn’t say that to her without immediately facing a counterargument.

After a brief moment of hesitation he took her hand into his: “You never caused me any pain. A headache, yes, because you always refused to listen to my lectures and also a lot of anxiety whenever you would just ran into dangerous situations on missions but never pain.”

“They treated you this horribly because of me,” she argued, holding back her tears. “Even on Hala they had already mistreated you.”

“And enduring all of this was worth it,” Yon-Rogg replied honestly. “So worth it.”

She looked away in an attempt to hide the fact that she was crying: “All this time I didn’t even notice you were suffering.”

“Because I never was when I was with you! Some days were quite… rough but then I would get to see you again, see you smile and laugh and I knew I would do it all over again just for this,” he said softly, still holding her hand. “I was never suffering or even felt slightly bad around you.”

“I thought I gave you headaches,” she laughed briefly through her tears as she wiped them away with the heel of her free hand.

“Even those felt good,” he smiled, resisting the urge to wipe her tears away himself. “You have always been the colors in my life, Carol. Not the darkness.”

She still didn’t forgive herself completely, just as he didn’t forgive himself but somehow she knew they’d be able to one day. Together.

“Would… would you like to continue getting these headaches? After all of this?” despite everything she couldn’t get herself to ask him directly to stay but he understood her anyway, like he always had.

“I’d love to.”

Without furthering thinking about it she pulled her hand away from his to hug him and he immediately returned her embrace, holding her tightly. Her cheek was pressed against shoulder just so she hadn’t to face him when she said: “I meant what I said earlier...”

He waited a moment before he replied.

“I know you did – but I don’t think I can accept your love… yet. I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright,” she answered quietly. “I’m willing to wait.”

“It may take me some time, _a lot_ of time.”

“You never gave up on me on Hala so I won’t give up on you either,” Carol lifted her head to look at him, her teary eyes meeting his. _Because I love you._

 “Of course you won’t,” he replied softly. “You have always been too stubborn to give up; from the moment I met you.” _When I fell in love with you._

“And look where that got me.”

_Exactly where I want to be._

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write this since I've seen the deleted scene weeks ago and finally got around to do it. On one hand I'm glad I didn't have to see it in theaters as it's so disturbing but also? Excuse me, Marvel? This scene was important? The film is missing something without it? How dare?
> 
>  
> 
> extra credit:  
> • the titles of the fanfic and chapters are quotes from the song "Colors" by OneRepublic  
> • “Yon-Rogg is our fearless leader.” is a direct quote from 'Starforce Mission Log'.  
> • Carol placing his hand on her chest to let him feel her heartbeat was an idea from @roggvers on Tumblr!


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